I always loved him, and I still do. However, there’s nothing more painful than being with someone whose touch you crave, attention you seek, and love you want, but it just isn’t available.
When words don’t match actions it’s really difficult to understand. I just started blaming myself, I’m not pretty enough that’s why he doesn’t want to touch me anymore. I’m not interesting enough to talk to anymore or perhaps I am not smart enough to understand what he has to talk about. Then there was the whole I’m not worth loving, all I do is mess everything up, I’m annoying, he doesn’t find me interesting or attractive so why would he love me?
I wanted him more than he ever knew and he kept me at arms length thinking we were close. It got to the point where I would ask to be touched because I was so afraid of rejection, it had happen just often enough that I was afraid to start anything. I no longer felt comfortable kissing or even hugging him, no matter how much I wanted to.
I lost myself in trying to be everything I thought he wanted, and yet he wasn’t ever happy with me. I never felt like I was good enough. I adored everything about him and aspired to be like him in so many ways. Instead my heart broke.
I wanted to be seen, but he gave his attention to others and wondered why I was insecure. I wanted to be listened to like he listened to so many others. I wanted to just be accepted, but truth is I wasn’t ever going to be. I could never live up to the expectations because each time I did the bar was raised.
I was on a never ending battle that I wanted so badly to win. I wanted so badly for him to just look at me one day… one time and really truly see me. Not who I could be, or what I could do, or what I’ve accomplished, but see me. Look in my eyes and have his breath stolen from his lungs due to the utter beauty of what he saw in me, just as I was every time I looked at him.
Instead I spent years dancing, trying, working toward a losing game, but all songs and games eventually end and so did the dance.